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  I'm becoming depressed as this project drags on and on and still seems so far from completion. Every day I work at it, learning the ropes and improving my engineering skills as I go, proceding by my wits, eventually to learn a better way - or more commonly, to face my initial gut and have to start something all over and do it the hard way. Turns out I'm a really good engineer. Meanwhile, my musical skills have deteriorated to the point that I can't perform the parts I created. My fingers are clumsy and crippled, strangers to the fretboard. And my voice is an impostor, sorrily attempting to impersonate the singer I want to be.

This week - a week that was supposed to be so productive - has been spent editting drum and bass tracks on just one song. At the end of three consecutive 12 hour days, it's finally right. Now my hands are too rapped by CTS and tendonitis from mousing every fucking day to play guitar, and my voice is too frozen to sing from sitting in silence all week. Monday I go back to my day job with little to show. I'll spend the rest of this weekend assessing what's left and see if we need to alter the plan at all.

My mood isn't helped by the fact I'm reading 'Life of Pi' and I can't help feeling like that naked, dehydrated, devestated boy trapped on a tiny lifeboat with a giant Bengal tiger. I feed him not because I love him, but because "God" threw us together and I'm obligated to care for him so that he doesn't kill me. Each day I think I'm showing this CD I'm its master, not daring to show any fear or uncertainty. Each day I give it my complete attention, and every ration of positive emotion I have. And the only thing sustaining me is the dream of eventually bringing this boat to shore. Except that when I do, it has to be a REALLY KICKASS BOAT that makes girls hug their pillows and sing along when they hear it!

So much for that analogy.

There's things I can't say to you, gentle reader,.. things about music-making. Ugly things. Boring things. Heartbreaking truths.

growling sound.
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